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Health & Fitness

Sam Samstie City Council Candidate Profile!

BREAKING NEWS! The Sam Samstie City Council Candidate Profile is now posted. Let me know you like it and I will look favorably upon you when I come to power.

BIO INFORMATION:

Name: Sam Samstie

Age: Cenozoic

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Address: Pending the outcome of the BYOB vote I am ensconced at an undisclosed location in a bunker safe from the inevitable chaos and debauchery that will break out if it passes. If BYOB fails, I will reveal my permanent address on a need-to-know basis.

Education: OK for children but not for people of voting age. I personally got three degrees from those liberal indoctrination mills we call “colleges” but I assure you that I have since been completely deprogrammed.

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No. of years lived in Ocean City: Entire life from zygote phase to the present.

Family: Values!

Occupation: One Per center

Public service: As long as I do not have to deal directly with them.

 

PLATFORM:

What issues do you see as critical for the next four years?

  • Advancing my political career
  • Maintaining a docile and compliant population
  • Achieving perfect and cost-free government
  • Get President Obama off Ocean City ballot (He is not native or natural born in O.C. and, besides, saying Hawaii is a state is like saying Disney World is a state.)

What do you see as the biggest accomplishments and shortcomings of the existing City Council and city administration in the past four years?

 Top administration accomplishments:

  • Not being last administration
  • Tearing things down

 Top administration shortcomings:

  • Occasionally considering more than one side of issues
  • Not moving quickly enough to complete pet projects

  Top City Council accomplishments:

  • Passing tons of resolutions regarding routine business
  • Ignoring that facty, reasony claptrap

 Top City Council shortcomings:

  • Occasionally allowing public comment to influence decisions
  • Physical appearance at end of City Council meetings

 

What do you want voters to know about you and what you’ll bring to the table?

 I like scrapple and eggnog and that’s what I bring to the table.

 

YES-OR-NO QUESTIONS (one-word answers only, please):

I support allowing BYOB restaurants in Ocean City:  NOOOOOOOO

I support 2 percent annual salary increases for police, firefighters and public employees: YES

I support continued borrowing (bond ordinances) to pave more streets, improve drainage, dredge more channels and improve more parts of the city's infrastructure — even if it means the city and taxpayers will pay more in debt service: NO

I support the continuation of a local volunteer Ethics Board with broad powers to conduct investigations and pass judgment on city employees: YES

 

YES-OR-NO QUESTIONS (explanations … go ahead and provide rationale here, if you wish):

BYOB: Including private residences and commercial buildings, there are currently about 14,000 places where we can booze it up with our food. Our low crime rate shows that we are at perfect equilibrium. BYOB would add around 20 more places where we can drink with our meals and that marginal increase definitely will knock this out of balance and chaos will ensue – Armageddon on Asbury!  Mardis Gras on the Boards, 2 to 11/7/365, violence and debauchery (disgusting public acts such as old couples holding hands and people walking around with stupid grins on their faces!)

Salary increases:  I will do everything in my power to lavish public workers with pay increases and extravagant French benefits (like health insurance for their children)! I will win their loyalty (most importantly that of the ones with weapons and big trucks) while remaining immune to public criticism because Ocean City taxpayers — particularly their watchdog group, FIT (not sure what that stands for but went to one of their meetings and kept thinking it may mean Funny in Tights) — only blame unions for compensation rates and not the elected officials who award them. This is an awesome scenario for soulless vote-mongering politicians like me.

Borrowing for capital improvements: I say DON’T CHANGE OCEAN CITY! So we should not repave our roads or mitigate flooding. And for those hypocrites (that is not an insult — foolish consistencies are just that) who believe we should not change OC but should reduce flooding and completely change the appearance of our roads I have a proposal: Currently about 95 percent of our population does not believe in global warming.  I will force the other 5 percent  to accept that global warming is a fraudulent worldwide conspiracy among 97 percent of climate scientists seeking pubic funding for bogus research and to live high on the hog.  When I achieve my goal of 100 percent global warming denial here, sea-level will stop rising around our island and even eventually begin to fall. This will take care of the tidal flooding, at least. For those bothered by the scarred and rutted roads I propose we do a public relations campaign pitching them as shabby chic. That would cost much less money than resurfacing.

Ethics Board: I look forward to my reputation and the town’s financial solvency being put into the hands of people whose judgment of their own wisdom compels them to nominate themselves for the position. Since I am a bit of a thrill-seeker, I am stoked by the fact that there effectively are no specific qualifications for the positions nor is there any meaningful screening process in making the appointments. And there is little training and no oversight (that works for me, riiiieght?). There is nothing to show for its four years in existence to date other than damaged reputations and bills. But what I like best about the Board is that if charges are brought against me, odds are the accuser and I will personally know at least half of the members and based on history, none will recuse themselves (who’d wanna miss the drama, baby?!).  I think the risk involved in all of this will make city-councilling exciting and fun, especially since the negative outcomes will not affect me: I can afford the extra taxes and my reputation is as invulnerable as the members’ self-assessment of their wisdom.  This is one-percenter heaven, dog…Best Board on the island – For…SHIZZLE!!!

Thank you,
Sam Samstie
Write-in candidate for Council

A vote for me is a vote for my gut’s instincts.”

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