I am proud to see that even with the looming prospect of
BYOB Armageddon rightly keeping the OC population in a constant state of dread
there is enough fear left for the panic caused by the Red Fox Scare! But fear there is and fear there should be. Fear protects us. Fear sustains us. Fear informs our vote. Be grateful for our bountiful fear.
Notwithstanding the above, there are some in this community
who want to rid the island of this menacing varmint. They are shortsighted, of course, because we may stop the rumored to be factual (so true) pervasive fox attacks on people, but we will also sap the fulsome fear pulsing through our collective veins, hammering at the inside walls of our heart, and firing every synapse in our brain. Who in their right mind would want to kill that buzz?
But there are votes to be had here and I will pander
accordingly. So, by popular and desperate demand, I present Samstie
platform plank CC.231: Red Fox Menace Position (pending feedback).
My core belief is that man has supremacy over all of the creatures, including our former ribs — the womens. So, if the foxes are a problem for man (and,
perhaps, even if just for the womens), we should solve the problem. As is my custom (and I hope to gain support by giving the voters a peak at the inner-workings of my thinking, especially when going about the problems-solving — a big part of good city-counciling), I will take a reasoned and strategic approach to create my plank.
First, I identify my core belief and then test it against the voters’ preference. Obviously, if there are more votes in a different position, I abandon my core belief and adopt the more rewarding position. To that end, the campaign did some polling which is described below.
Number of residents polled:
According to what best serves the interests of the sources,
our year round population is: 9,000, 11,000, 12,000, and 14,000. So we polled all four populations and had a 100 percent response rate for each.
Self-described white extreme conservative and over 65: 50%
Self-described white severe conservative and over 65: 40%
Self-described white libertarian (but not as it applies to
animals), all ages: 9%
Self-described member of all other age, ethnic, and
political groups: 1%
There has been a boom in red foxes on the island. My research shows that experts attribute the boom to sudden and significant surge in the population of rabbits. Now, I do not believe experts, because you can find an expert to say anything, so we might as well not have any, I know you would agree. The thinking crowd responds when I say this — that a world without experts is a world without expertise and that we need expertise and they go on to give countless good examples of why that is so. I say that is circular reasoning. Just another example of why I don’t cotton to the thinking crowd.
Narrative and Conclusion(s):
But for argument sake, we’ll assume that the foxes are here to eat the rabbits. Which of course means there is what is called a “food chain.”
And that, my friends, is the gateway to the slipperiest of slopes to the
next vile “theory,” Survival of the Fittest, and puts you face to face with that abominable fraud Evolution. Sorry I got back to being reasonable there
and forgot that we are accepting this science nonsense only for argument sake. So, we gots our food chain.
Going along with this craziness, we have to assume that the rabbits came because of a boom in lettuce and carrots on the island. And I have never been in the south end, but I know hardly anyone lives there and that many of those who do look like retired farmers, so I guess there’s a lot of agriculture going on down there and that’s where the lettuce and carrot bumper crops happened. Accordingly, we should eradicate the lettuce and carrot crops, the rabbits will leave, and the foxes will follow them. So that’s my first of two solutions to the
Red Fox Scare.
The other solution is identified by approaching it from the other end of the food chain — introduce predators. The experts claim that red foxes main predators are pumas, coyotes, and people. I don’t understand how sneakers pose a threat to foxes (I get small insects and the like), so I think that the experts have a typo in their writings. Coyotes and people seem accurate, so I put them on the survey. People can prey on foxes several ways so I gave the respondents options.
Which is an effective way to prey upon the island’s red
foxes (pick all that appeal to you)?
Import coyotes: 1%
Shoot the foxes: 99%
Poison them: 99%
Trap them and release them off shore: 95% (with additional
4% picking this when adding the words “in the water”)
Conduct fox hunts: 100%
I too like the fox hunt solution. It’s a win/win/win (gets rid of the
foxes/adds tourist attraction/supplements baseline community-wide fear).
The second solution is fox hunts.
(Disclaimer: All positions are tentative pending identification of optimal prospective vote outcome. Any connection to core beliefs
is solely coincidental.)
Thank you, Sam Samstie: Write in Candidate for City Council —
“Vote for me and be afraid, my friends”